Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Michael Appleby Theory Of Women's First Names And Relative Hotness

Before I begin this post I have to give a shout-out to Adam Snider (@ink_slinger if you do the whole Twitter thing). Thanks to a small series of recent tweets from Adam, I arrived at the following theory. So without the tireless efforts of Adam Snider (or here if you do the whole World Wide Web thing)(here if you have no idea what a World Wide Web is)(here if you are clinically considered to be a vegetable) I wouldn't have some fresh new material to present to you fine folks in Internet land! Thanks Adam!

Let's face it, this is the 21st century and there is less and less that seems weird to us. Kids walk around with lime green hair and chains in their wallets and we actually mock those kids not because they walk around with lime green hair and chains in their wallets, but because lime green hair and chains in wallets is soooo 2006. This is the brave new world that Huxley was talking about. I think. Okay, I don't know for sure. I'm just putting Huxley's name out there so that you think I'm smarter than I am. It's called name-dropping people! Look it up!

That being said, women's names are becoming more and more varied and unusual. Girls named Copernicus are spelling it cOpernicus as a sort of nod to iPods and any other cutely named piece of kitsch technology. Don't believe me? Just try to spell that girl's name the old fashioned, capital-letter-goes-in-front way and they will rip your nuts off with a kung-fu grip. One of the latest trends in naming girls fresh from the womb is to give them names that were often reserved for the dick-waving gender of the species. Meeting women named Carl, Gustav, Jonathan, Frank, or even Bernard is not that unusual. That, or you met pre-op transexuals named Carl, Gustav, Jonathan, Frank, or even Bernard, but that's a whole different can of corn, Esther!

Aside: I'm not sure who Esther is or what she's doing with cans of corn. It's not an old adage. Seriously, I just made that shit up. That's how creative I am. I make up my own adages!

The name that triggered all this was Michael. Apparently there are more and more women showing up in places who are named Michael.

I have to admit that when I first heard of girls being named Michael I was a bit put off because it meant that my name was creeping toward androgeny where once it had be squarely in undeniably testosterone-laden-cock-and-balls-punch-you-in-the-face masculinity. The knee-jerk reaction to this would be, of course, to get a name change to something that could not ever be given to a girl. But then I thought about it and I'm beginning to think that there is no name left that is so manly it could never, ever be given to a girl. Don't eulogize your testicles just yet gentlemen.

But Michael, I will never, ever meet a girl named Keith or Chuck or Allen!

Wrong! It'll happen. There might not be many or any at all just yet, but give it time. That will change.

Here is my theory. Girls who are burdened with man names are named such so as to limit the number of suitors she will receive especially during the formative years when parents hope and pray their little girls don't come home from dates knocked up.

Think about it: you're some dude looking to get his rocks off. Are you really going to get it on with a girl named Brent? Hell no! Factor into this the fact that more and more relationships are forming online where one of the earliest things we learn about people we interact with are names. If you meet some girl on Craigslist who has a name like Douglas or Clive are you seriously going to believe they're a girl or a "girl"? Exactly.

That's not the end of it, folks! Those same girls with the manly names, thanks to Darwinian law, have to evolve to compensate for the biological setback of their manly names. Biologically speaking they are supposed to find a mate and they are being held back by a name. So what do they do? They blossom into more attractive-looking women. Those dudes who wouldn't even look at a girl named Eric let alone fuck one are now finding themselves looking beyond the name because girl is smoking hot. The girl has evolved because of the setback her parents gave her.

Now, to get back to the name Michael, would I ever want to be with a girl named Michael? Well, I suppose if the right Michael came along I would consider it. Sex with her would be a little like masturbation I suppose. Except, of course, instead of it just being me alone in bed screaming, "Oh Michael!" (whose name did you think I would scream?), there would be two of us in bed screaming, "Oh Michael!" And the kicker is that she would probably be screaming my name. And me, being me, would probably be screaming my name too! I'm that good.

Another thought that just hit me is that if it got to a point where I was marrying a girl named Michael the J.P. or priest or whoever it is we get to perform the ceremony, that guy would say, "Do you Michael take Michael to be your Michael for Michael and Michael?" I know, that sounds too fucking awesome to be real.

I now pronounce you Michael and Michael. You may kiss the Michael. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for the first time Michael and Michael Appleby!

The universe would fold in on itself and all existence would simply cease to be. The perfect storm of kick-assery would have occurred.

So, if you find yourself wondering what Michael and I would name our prospective first daughter, the name would be Richard. Really, you could draw a manly name out of a hat filled with manly names, but I think Richard would be a huge obstacle for our precious little daughter to overcome.

She'd be so beautiful it'd make you blind just to look at her.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Is It The End Of The Decade Already?

The folks over at Pitchfork have recently compiled a list of the top 500 songs of the decade. According to them. I followed it as it wended it's way from number 500 all the way down to number one over the course of five installments.

What made the list so cool to follow was that the contributers to the list including samples from each song included, but really if you wanted to hear the full version of any of the songs you could just pop over to youtube and there would likely by a homemade video from some film student in New Jersey (so many homebrew music videos come from a film student in New Jersey). Anyway, if you're like me, you're always looking for new music to keep your ears interested and, needless to say, I found a few bands I hadn't discovered yet, but will definitely give some listening time to now that I've been made aware.

Aside from the learning experience of getting to check out all this music that has captivated Pitchfork writers and editors so much this past decade is that it has proven to spark debate over the internets about bands and songs that got too much recognition and bands and songs that deserved more recognition but received little or none at all. So, in the process, I ended up digging around on youtube some more checking out names that were being tossed around by the people debating the list's contents. So, even more music to check out.

Whew! My ears have been getting a workout this week.

But one thing that has bugged me about the whole thing is that so many people who came away from reading the list upset over its contents would just dismiss it the whole thing as shit, that Pitchfork was a bunch of hipsters who only wanted to recognize either totally unlistenable crap for hipster cred or techno/rap/r&b because it's fashionable to be in love with those genres right now. I just find that position so lazy. Fine, some online music magazine has proven with a list of their top songs of the decade that their tastes don't match yours. Instead of dismissing the whole list make your own damn list to contradict them. I mean if it bothers you that much They don't owe it to anybody to change their list to suit your tastes. Why not change the world instead of asking it to change for you?

Incidentally, "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" by: The Arcade Fire, the song that is number one on my iPod according to the number of times it has been played was number ten on the list, the highest-ranked Arcade Fire song. So maybe my own musical tastes aren't too different from that of the fine folks at Pitchfork.

There's a lot of great music out there. It was a rich decade sonically speaking.

The links below go to the installments...

Songs 500-201
Songs 200-101
Songs 100-51
Songs 50-21
Songs 20-1

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Since You Asked, Here Is The Sexy Playlist On My iPod

Okay, so when I mentioned driving around listening to sexy songs recently I was asked by a few people what I meant by that. Well, the songs were sexy. There's something utterly cool about driving around town listening to songs that are sexy. Anyway, since I was asked, I thought I would go through the playlist I have on my iPod, yes there actually is one, and comment on each song's inclusion. Enjoy.

Michael's Supersexy iPod Sexy Song Playlist

1. "Closer" by: Nine Inch Nails- This one is a no-brainer. With a refrain like "I want to fuck you like an animal" how can this song not ooze sexuality? Plus as an opening aural salvo, the bassline coupled with that mechanical hissing sound are fitting.

2. "#1 Crush" by: Garbage- Shirley Manson's voice is hypnotic. Make her moan and coo for close to five minutes and you have a reason for inclusion on a list of sexy songs. Originally found on the soundtrack to Baz Luhrmann's 1996 big screen version of Romeo And Juliet, this one might be harder to locate, but it can also be found on a Garbage greatest hits package or two I suppose.

3. "Emotional Rescue" by: The Rolling Stones- I have to admit that in the wrong context this song is almost comical. Mick Jagger singing in a sort of falsetto might be a bit much, but this is still Mick Jagger, a man who had a conquest or two back in the day. He wants to be be your saviour, steadfast and true; he's come to your emotional rescue.

4. "Rev 22:20" by: Puscifer- This is Maynard James Keenan doing the title credits to a James Bond movie except instead of a typical James Bond movie where he has to save the world from a supervillain with a space laser pointed at the earth, James Bond has to have sex with a succubus. It's sacreligious, sexy, and perfect for this list. The best part goes, "Christ is coming. So am I." Oh double entendres!

5. "Book Of The Month" by: Lovage- There's a good chance that you have never heard of Lovage. It's one of Mike Patton's plethora of recording projects. In this song from their album Music To Make Love To Your Old Lady By, simplicity is defined. "You are the griddle. I am the meat." Lovage might, in fact, by my favorite of Mike Patton's projects and I hope there is a follow-up album someday.

6. "D'Yer Mak'er" by: Sheryl Crow- At the risk of becoming a pariah for preferring the Sheryl Crow cover of the Led Zeppelin classic for the purposes of this list, I have to qualify it's inclusion by saying you can probably safely substitute in the original and lose no effect, but I just like the sound of Sheryl Crow's breathy coos for this list. Overall, the Led Zeppelin original is a better song quite easily. Including the cover also gives the list some more female presence, which is always welcome when you're feeling sexy. That's just how I roll.

7. "Make It Wit Chu" by: Queens Of The Stone Age"- This song is a fine example of why Queens Of The Stone Age are one of the most versatile bands in modern rock. They can be loud and angry in one song and then go 180 degrees and come out with this, a song full of sexy guitar riffs and poor spelling.

8. "The Nurse Who Loved Me" by: A Perfect Circle- The second cover song on this list and the second song to feature the vocals of Maynard James Keenan is a love song that sounds like it would be right at home in a Tim Burton love story. "I'm taking her home with me all dressed in white. She's got everything I need, pharmacy keys. She's falling hard for me, I can see it in her eyes. She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys."

9. "Teardrop" by: Massive Attack- Really, I could include whole Massive Attack albums on this list because their sound just lends itself to sexiness. I picked "Teardrop" though for this list because Elizabeth Fraser's guest vocals on the song are so haunting. Most people will think of this song as the theme song to TV's House, which isn't sexy, and is borderline criminal. Not House, just thinking that this song is the House song and not something bigger and more important.

10. "You Shook Me All Night Long" by: AC/DC- This song is either about sex or about some sort of strange palsy. I'm inclined to believe the former. There's a reason why nine strippers out of ten chose "You Shook Me All Night Long" in a blindfold test. I'm not sure what that means, but let's leave it at if you have a strip tease to perform for anybody you could do a lot worse that picking this song to strip to.

11. "Daisy" by: Stone Temple Pilots- For the longest time I thought that this song should have had vocals of one kind or another, but now that I'm older and wiser I have decided that the guitar is too sexy to be hidden behind vocals. Instrumental bliss.

12. "Listen (Listen, Listen)" by: Wintersleep- I hope this song satisfies Canadian content laws otherwise I'm screwed. Seriously, though, this song is fucking intense. Sparse intrumentals and slow, deliberate vocals. This is a song for when you are isolated with the one you love.

13. "Ulysses" by: Franz Ferdinand- A newer song on the list. The opening bars with it's throbbing bassline are infectious. There's something kind of high class scummy about this song that I can't put a finger on. "C'mon doll and use me; I don't need your sympathy."

14. "Zero" by: Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Karen O is sexy. She seems like the kind of lady who could break a man in half. In "Zero" we find Karen singing the praises of leather and raising her vocals to ecstastic screams every chance she gets. "Try and hit the spot. Get to know it in the dark. Get to know it whether you're crying, crying, crying, oh oh. Can you climb, climb, climb higher?" Right in half quite easily I think.

15. "Lover's Day" by: TV On The Radio- This is the only song on the list that sounds like I could be backed by a marching band. TV On The Radio have a sound that is all their own. At the 3:50 mark this song become transcendent. If you can picture two people having sex and both of them having huge, almost surreal grins while doing so, that's the only way I can think of describing the last two minutes of the song.

16. "Grindhouse (Main Titles)" by: Robert Rodriguez- The opening credits to the "Planet Terror" portion of Grindhouse is all about the saxophone. If you saw the movie you might have noticed Rose McGowan doing a striptease to this song at the start of the movie. She was the one stripper out of ten who didn't choose "You Shook Me All Night Long" and I think she might have a pretty good argument.

So there, you have it. Go out there, find these songs, put them together and have a sexy time. I think I need to go smoke a cigarette now. And possibly take a cold shower. Until next time, folks!

Friday, May 22, 2009

I Was Tagged In Somebody's Note, And Though It's Not My Custom To Honor Such A Thing, I Thought I Would Make An Exception

1. Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,L,C,A,Y,N: PPB

2.Are you single? Yes

3.What is your favorite number? 23

4.What is your favorite color? I would say black, but it's so basic and essential. So, instead of that, I'm going to go ahead and say blue.

5.Least favorite color? I get tired of purple.

6. what are you listening to? Clap Your Hands Say Yeah's self-titled album.

7.Are you happy with your life right now? I'm not unhappy with it. I abide.

8.Are you involved with anyone? No.

9.What is your favorite subject in school/ college? Creative Writing.

10.Do you shop at Abercrombie? I've never even been in an Abercrombie store. I wouldn't rule out going because, really, I don't know how they differ from other clothing chains. If something there looks good on me I should get it. If not, so be it. Clothes are clothes.

11.Do you have money? On me at the moment? Yeah, there's some in my wallet right now. I also have a lot of change kicking around.

12.Would you take an ex back? It would depend on the circumstances. Relationships are too complicated for a yes/no answer sometimes.

14.Are you gay? No.

15.Where do you wish you were right now? I am where I wish I was. How lucky is that? I'm in my bedroom at my desk with good music playing and I'm trying to piece together thoughtful answers to these questions.

16.What should you be doing right now? I should be sleeping because I have to work in the morning, but right now this is too damn fun.


Can you blow a bubble? Damn skippy I can.
Can you do a cart wheel? Yes, especially when I'm drunk.
Can you touch your toes? Last time I checked I can.
Can you wiggle your ears? ? No.
Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No, but sometimes I wish I could. That's a practical skill.


Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? Not really.
Did you ever want to be a teacher? I think so. I'm not sure I'm the right kind of role model for impressionable youths, though. I would have to put on a very good respectable front for that.
Did you ever break the law? Who hasn't broken a law or two? Anybody who says they haven't is not the kind of person I would trust.


Do you like rollercoasters? Yes I do.
Do you own a bike? No.
Do you play the lotto? Sometimes I do. Most of the time I don't. I usually forget to play it.
Do you like football? Yes I do.
Do you have a shopping addiction? I'm not addicted to shopping, but I would say that I have no problem spending money.


Does your family have family picnics? No.
Does your wallet have any pics in it? No.
Does a soft answer turn away wrath? I KNOW it does.


Last person you hung out with? I hung out with my friends from high school on Sunday night. We went to the High Run Club and, as always, it was so very comforting to be around them.
Last car ride? I drove home from the poetry reading at Yianni's on Wednesday night.
Last text message? I texted Jessica to see if she received a book that I passed along to her for her to read.
Last baby you held? I can't remember. It's been a long time since I held a baby. I go to more funerals than anything else.

What was the last thing you bought? Pizza from Pizza 73 so that I would have something to eat while I watch "Taken" last night.
What was the last thing you had to drink? I had a can of Cherry Coke.
What was the last thing you watched? I watched Attack Of The Show earlier this afternoon.
What was the last thing you read? I'm currently reading "Pygmy" by Chuck Palahniuk. The last book I read before that was "The Delivery Man" by Joe McGinniss Jr. Oh, and I read "Where The Wild Things Are" before bed the other night, if that counts for anything.
What was the last thing you hand wrote? I jotted some notes for a poem that I've been working on in a pocket-sized Moleskine book.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom.
Who was the last person you took a picture of? I snapped a picture of Michael Gravel at the poetry reading last night. It had been a long time since I got to see him read. And what he read was earth-shattering. I felt compelled to take a picture for posterity's sake.
Last person to leave you a comment? On my blog it was Daniel. On my Facebook page it was Nilos.
Who last hugged you? I don't get hugged a lot so I would have to say it was Colleen a few weeks ago when I dropped her and Kristy off.
Who last IM'd you? I can't remember. I don't get a lot of IM's.

What color shirt are you wearing? I'm wearing a black hoody.
Have any tattoos? No. I can't commit to a design or image that would go on my skin for the rest of my life.
Have you any piercings? No.
Straight hair or curly or wavy? Short and straight.
Where are you? I'm at my desk in my bedroom.


Failed a class? Not that I can remember.
Confessed your love and been turned down? Yes. It was a long time ago. Do that enough and pretty soon you learn to just keep stuff like that to yourself.
Sang in front of a crowd? If you can call it singing.

I'll avoid the obvious answers and give you something unexpected. Let's see, in no particular order...
-A lava lamp with red lava (or wax or whatever you want to call it) that I like to have on when I watch movies in bed.
-An incense holder shaped like a black dragon.
-Two cheapy bottle openers that I bought at a Safeway in Phoenix, Arizona.
-A stash of candy that I keep inside a box on one of my bookshelves.
-A small box of letters that I kept from when I was teenager and sometimes read when I want to feel a fresh sting of regret.
-Numerous issues of Juxtapoz magazine because I love the art they feature in them. I keep the back issues too, just so I can flip through them sometimes and ooo and ahhh at all the pretty pictures.

1. In a relationship? No.
2.Want a relationship? Sometimes when you ask me this question I will say yes and other times I will say no.
3.Wanna get married? Someday I think I would like to be. I'm not sure how good of a husband I would make.

1. I'm wondering what I'm going to be like when I'm an old man. I'm pretty eccentric right now. I would like to be even more eccentric, but not to the point of being certifiable.
2. What's the next line? I'm always thinking about the next line.
3. Am I boring you to tears?
4. I'm thinking of taking a long, hot shower before bed to just wind down and daydream some more.

The way to win your heart? I'm not even sure I know my own heart. So, it follows then, that I haven't even found a way to win it. When I figure it all out, I'll fill you all in because I want to be in love with everybody.

When was the last time you really laughed? I'm always laughing. Really laughing. Everything is funny if you think about it the right way. Even tragedy. The other day I caught a bit of the last HBO comedy special George Carlin did before he died last year and I laughed and cried at the same time. Bill Hicks always gets me like that too. Actually, the last really good laugh I had was a message thread I saw on 4chan that had a picture with two words in it: "IT ALL" and the person who posted the picture said this, "I think this picture says it all." It does. Indeed, it does.

What are you like when you're drunk? I'm entertaining and philosophical and daring and friendly.

Do you drink milk straight from the carton? Just imagining the texture of a milk carton against my lips kind of makes me cringe. I keep the milk in a glass, thank you very much.

Who knows a big secret about you? I'm not sure. I'm too plain and uninteresting to have big secrets.

How long is your hair? It's very short.

Who was the last person who told you they loved you? It's been so long that I can't remember. Probably my ex.

When was the last time you sang out loud? Tonight when I was listening to "Let The Cool Goddess Rust Away" by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

What did you have for breakfast? I slept until 5 p.m. I went right into dinner. That was leftover pizza.

Is your birthday on a holiday? No. I like to make my birthday into a holiday for everybody though. Don't just get me gifts, get gifts for everybody. Then everybody looks forward to my birthday.

Can you cook? It depends on who you ask. But let's just keep it I wouldn't starve if I was alone.

Did you have a nap today? Not today.

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? I wear suits more than anything else. After that I would say sweats since I'm around the house a lot. When I go out, it's jeans.

When is your birthday? February 10.

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Below The Belt. You would think that with a name like Below The Belt they wouldn't have shirts, but they have shirts. They should change the name of the store to Below And Above The Belt.

Do you have any regrets? Sure. Lots of them. Biggest one is not being more accessible to the people I like and who, in turn, like me. I'm distant and solitary a lot.

Do you use an alarm clock? I use my cellphone as an alarm clock.

Whats the first thing you notice of the opposite sex? Hair.

What color is your favorite shoe? Black. My shoes are uninteresting.

Who would you like to see right now? Nobody. I want to be by myself right now.

Who was the last person to call you? My mom.

Are you a social or antisocial person? I don't know. I like people. I love people. I love their quirks. I live vicariously through their stories. I miss people even when they're around. But I can be very antisocial sometimes if I feel introspective and reflective.

Have the cops ever come to your house? No.

Do you have a tan? I'm pasty white.

Would you rather sleep in the bed with someone, or alone? Right now, alone. When I'm lonely, with someone else. Luckily I'm not lonely right now.

Ever had braces? No, but I wish I had.

Are you afraid of the dark? The dark is too intimate to be afraid of. I'm afraid of noises I hear in the dark sometimes, but that's different.

Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Yes I have.

Do you always wear your seat belt? My car makes an annoying dinging sound when I don't, so, yes, I wear one all the time just to spare myself that inconvenience.

Who was the last person to disappoint you? I try not to let people disappoint me. I can't remember when the last time was. I try to put everything in perspective. Has anybody ever done anything to me that was worth being disappointed by for a significant amount of time? Not really.

You know what you want to do with your life? Sometimes I think I do.

When and why did you last cry? Last weekend. I miss George Carlin being in the world.

How do you feel about piercings and tattoos? I'm open.

Do you believe that what comes around goes around? I think so.

What is your favorite fruit?

Does anyone love you? Depends on what kind of love you're talking about. I think so, though.

Where is one place you want to visit? I would love to get lost in New York City. I've thought about just going by myself and trying to find a Bohemian lifestyle with lots of drinking and partying and all that good stuff. I want to have a philosophical discussion with a well-versed stranger.

Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes. A long time ago.

Are you a morning person or a night person? I am an all-day person.

Are you a forgiving person? Very much so.

What are you listening to right now? I'm still listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

Ever had a drunken night in Mexico? Nope. Not yet.

Who was the last person to smoke a cig in your presence? I can't remember.

Are you taller than 5'6? Yep. 5'10.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Protip For Alberta Campers

Camping season is fast approaching here in desolate Alberta, Canada (sorry Tourism Alberta, your cheque bounced hard and fast; that's the only endorsement you'll get from me). With the warmer weather comes what promises to be many cherished memories, "off-road" vehicles getting trashed actually going off-road, wild mountain lion attacks, cases of West Nile Virus, and whatever else it is you campers partake in year after year while I, being pasty white and incredibly handsome, enjoy the finer things in life like running water, internet porn, and periodic suburban gunshot wounds.

One thing that you campers will not be able to partake in for a little while at the very least, is the tried and true tradition of the cheery campfire. No hot dogs on sharpened sticks, no marshmallows set aflame and sizzling black, no disposal of evidence by fire. Nope, none of that for you. Dry conditions. High risk of forest fire.

And really, who the fuck would want to travel out into the woods and sit around WITHOUT a campfire. Campfires are fun. They burn stuff up, they make your clothes smell, and they provide the lighting for some of the most miserable experiences of you life. That time you got so drunk you passed out face down in the mud? Yep, it was by the fireside. That time you got so drunk you passed out face down in the mud and got sodomized by a lecherous grizzly bear? You better believe that was by the fireside too. He probably wouldn't have been able to see what he was doing had you been anywhere else.

So then what? Are you just going to go out into the wild without fire? How will the bears see to rape you? How are you going to char a tubesteak? What else will you use to burn all that excess gasoline and all those old tires you pack your vehicles with?

If you start a fire the game wardens will have you thrown into PMITA prison for a stiff sentence.

Or will they?

Here at Michael Appleby industries we are always coming up with new ways to make your life easier. And after 2.75 years of research in our state-of-the-art laboraties (i.e. my basement) we have developed a way for you to go camping during the fireban and enjoy your campfire too.

We call it, I didn't start this fire, officer.

Here's how it works.

Quite simply, when the game warden approaches your campsite, taser in hand, to bust you for having a campfire during the fireban you defend yourself by saying, "I didn't start this fire, officer." Resist the urge to sing it a la the early 90's Billy Joel song.

Then proceed to explain that you were trying to douse the fire with uncooked weiners and marshmallows.

Really, what the fuck is he going to do? You can't be busted for trying to put out a fire. So what if your methods of trying to extinguish a fire during the fireban are stupid. I guarantee you that if you throw enough weiners at a fire it'll be snuffed out. You just didn't bring enough weiners to snuff the fire right away. You can't be busted for that. Same goes for marshmallows. Dump enough marshmallow on an out-of-control forest fire, which the one in your campsite seems to be, albeit in the very early stages, and that fire will be toasted. Toasted marshmallows that is! Sorry, I was waiting for some excuse to bust that one out.

Anyway, the point is that without the surveillance equipment that cities conveniently have in spades no one can prove whether you started the fire or if you were trying to put it out with a frying pan and a quarter pound of bacon.

If you're asked what caused the fire, just say, "Lightning strike." If the skies are clear say, "Squirrel spontaneously combusted. Damnedest thing I ever saw," maybe throw a dead squirrel in the fire before you try using that one. Really, who cares how the fire started, you're fighting it! Ask the warden for help. Make it convincing.

"Look man, we can argue all day long as to how a squirrel spontaneously combusted right in that fire pit, but what's important is that it happened and now we have to deal with it. Alberta's woodlands are at risk! Quick, grab more weiners, I think we can create a buffer between the fire pit and the rest of Alberta if we can just get enough weiners in there."

Sure enough, you'll get your hot dogs and your toasted marshmallows, your campfire sing-alongs. Not only will you not be arrested for it, but they should damn well give you some sort of medal of valor for corageously fighting the bane of all humanity: fire.

Disclaimer: Do not actually attempt this. While this tactic might work, our R&D department has also found that well lit campsites experience instances of grizzly bear sodomy 268% more than completely dark campsites. You're best to play it safe and make your campsites look completely empty of all human life.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Still Asking Rodents To Give You An Understanding Of Weather Patterns? You're A Winner! (where the hell is a sacasm emoticon when you need one?)

Okay, recently (well, not so recently given my timing, but you know what I mean), Groundhog Day was upon us and then it was over again just as suddenly as it arrived. I thought that I would take this opportunity to fill you in on the outcome of the day's festivities in case you were living underneath a rock. Do you want to know what the little varmint had to say? Do you want to really know the verdict? On February 2, 2009, Punxsutawney Phil (who the fuck names their kid Punxsutawney Phil? I don't care what species you are, that name is bullshit) emerged from his little hidey-hole, held up by the scruff of his neck and saw his shadow, which according to the rule of the holiday signifies: WHO GIVES A FUCK?

Holy shit! After all the centuries of development that the human race has gone through, after all the technological marvels we have shit out onto the earth, after all the research, all the study, all the years of diligence, this is how we, as a race are going to try to estimate how much longer winter is going to last? Some smelly ground rat is going to emerge from his feces-laden den to a host of slack-jawed idiots and media types to determine whether or not he can see his own shadow and if he does that means winter is going to last six more weeks? What the fuck? Seriously? Is that how homey rolls? We can shoot a man onto the face of the moon, but damned if we can't figure out this whole weather and changing of seasons business without consulting an animal that is significantly less advanced than we are. Fucking rights!

First of all, why this bunch of arbitrary bullshit? Why groundhogs seeing shadows signifying anything? Why does it have to be six weeks? Who the fuck makes this shit up? I weep for the future if we're going to continue to gather each year outside some ground weasel shit den, salivating because we would probably just as soon eat the little rat as we would ask him for a prediction on the weather.

"Hey Cletus, when y'all think the winters(sic) going to be done for? My's Christmas breeches is wearing thin-like."

"I don't know, Jed, but that earth-pig is looking mighty dee-lish. Fetch me my double-aught and I's gonna shoots us up some dinner! Yee-haw!"

End scene.

Secondly, what the fuck difference does it make if winter lasts six more weeks, four more weeks, two more weeks, or 12 more minutes? What are you going to do about it if you don't like what the little rat-pig has to say about the future? Why not just do as the rest of the functioning world does and just cope with it? Winter will be over when winter is over. That's how it works, folks. It's that simple.

I assure you that no Old Man Winter is hiding in the proverbial ether, waiting with anticipation for the little mule-squirrel-earth-slug to see his shadow before literally, or figuratively since we're talking proverbs here, shitting snow out of his ass for six weeks, dancing around as he does so proclaiming, "Sorry morons, the litte rat-fuck saw his shadow, now you're mine! All mine! HAHAHAHA!" If there's one thing that science has taught us about ground rats it's that they're wrong, we're right, manifest destiny for humanity, tough titty for the rodents. Get used to it. We won. The war is over. Now get back on my spit, I'm going to roast you over an open fire.

So, please, please, pretty please, just leave your tribal superstitious bullshit nonsense on the funny pages. Keep it out of the regular media. I might need to learn something important. I do not give a fuck if some ground-pig woke up and saw his shadow. Six more weeks of winter or an early spring, big fucking deal. I'm not going anywhere. I just abide.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Who Wants Some Fucking Nesquik?

Because I've been feeling kind of blah the past few days I'm going to point in the direction of 5secondfilms. I really like how they do the whole internet sketch comedy thing blended with the ultimate in brevity. If you watch a sketch that doesn't seem that funny, hey, that's okay, it was only 5 seconds long, move on to the next sketch. So far, though, this one is my favorite. If you see me quoting it please punch me in the liver.

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